Do they see Him in me? A Mother's silent surrender...

This past week I found myself quietly studying my children. I wasn’t just looking at them but I was really absorbing them. I was noticing things that I felt I had been missing for a while like their giggles, their mispronounced words, the songs they sing mid-sentence or game, the way they turn my lounge into a fort and legos turned into laughter. I watched them for moments being fully present and a silent prayer stirred in my heart:

“Abba… I don’t want this to end?”

Do these tiny hands that always reach up to mine to hold need to one day release their grip and walk into a world that feels so far from the peace we’ve nurtured under Your covering? 

As I watched them play together, I felt Him whisper: “This is what it feels like every time my children enter into the world.”

And suddenly a tear welled in my eye. Because I felt it, the aching joy. The excitement of watching them grow, dream and become something special... yet mingled with this was a feeling of uncertainty. Will the winds of life carry them away from You? Will their hearts remain tethered to heaven?

And it hit me:

How sacrificial free will truly is. How costly unconditional love really is. But also how important it was that I made a space where they know Jesus and learn to dwell with their Abba Father. That His presence is what makes home feel like home and that, that feeling is what can make a strange world feel familiar.

For a brief moment I sat in that feeling with Abba, and I felt the weight of it. “I’m here, Lord. I came back. And I honour You for giving me the choice to trust in you.”

But then I asked Him the question I had been holding deep within:

“Do they see Jesus in me?”

And He answered with the steadiness of The Word:

"All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.” – Isaiah 54:13

And just like that I understood that I’m only part of the process but I am not the destination. I’m the vessel of the teaching but I am not the final attachment. He is. And the Lord will teach them if I create space for it. So that means I NEED to make space for the Spirit to work through me as a mother. I must train them in the word but I must also show them The Word is ALIVE. That the words on the pages are ACTIVE. That the Word transforms, renews and restores. How could a child better grasp this than seeing it in action through us as parents. 

Humility washed over me in waves. There is no guarantee that they will always hold my hand. But there is a promise that if I do what He has asked, if I raise them in His truth, and Spirit they will always hold His hand. And that’s the promise I will hold onto in those moments of wonder as to what will come of their lives. 

And so I asked: How? How do I make sure they will always reach for your hand?

The Spirit ministered to me. In Spirit and in truth and in total surrender. By entrusting this sacred calling to Him because as much as I desire to be the perfect mother, I am not. But I do carry the perfect Teacher inside of me.

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things…”– John 14:26 AMP

So I must make space. Space for Him to move through me and to minister through me, to teach through me. Because this isn’t about how diligently I perform motherhood. It’s about how much of myself I’m willing to give up so Jesus and the Spirit can step forward. And that’s the beginning of another process of dying to self so He can live through me. Another role where He replaces me. Another role in my life where I must decrease so that He may Increase (John 3:30)

Surrender means letting go of the pressure to be the perfect mom and instead becoming a Spirit-led mother. I often don’t know what to say and what to do but He does, so in those moments when I feel the pressure to perform, I should rather pray and invite the Holy Spirit into parenting decisions, discipline and daily moments.

Surrender means letting go of control and trusting that the seeds I am planting now will bear fruit later, that my prayers are heard and that Jesus gives me and my children grace to grow. I am not expected to be perfect but I am expected to surrender, to repent and to try again. Motherhood can become an identity trap and we find ourselves asking, am I enough? Am I doing it right? But surrender means laying down the pride of being the “perfect mom”, letting go of expectations and the shame of not measuring up to others and the pressure of doing it all in your own strength and relying on the Spirit instead.

As mothers, we long for our children to follow Jesus but the truth is we cannot save them, we can only point them to our Saviour, teach them about Him and allow them to see Him in us. To make a space where they recognise our reliance on our relationship with Abba Father through Jesus. Then we need to trust that He loves them more than we could comprehend and He won't pass up the opportunity to encounter with them. 

Realising all of this I was convicted to repent, to release and to inviting the Holy Spirit in before I react. I know deep in my Spirit that my surrender will be rewarded with Abba's presence in their lives fully, even if right now I am fumbling my way through a “renewing of mind” process in motherhood. 

And a question that whispered in my spirit: Do they see Him in me?

I want that answer to be yes and I hope you do too. We should want to rise each morning with one goal, to make room for the fullness of Him in us.

Because our children don’t need perfect mothers. They need to see Jesus in us, the spirit working through us and the presence of Abba Father over us.